Why Language Matters for Parents and Educators

“The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.”, Jiddu Krishnamurti

Lately, I’ve been revisiting Marshall Rosenberg’s Compassionate Communication. As someone who tends to value logic and clarity, an ESTJ by nature, I’ve often struggled with frustration when others don’t see the world the way I do. That tension can surface in my parenting, relationships, and teaching. Despite efforts to stay calm, I can become irritable or reactive, even when I know better.

This blog series is part reflection, part exploration. I'm learning how empathy and communication intertwine. Parenting and teaching are acts of language as much as they are acts of care, every word, tone, and expression we use with children influences how they see themselves and the world.

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What Is Compassionate Communication?

Marshall Rosenberg developed Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to help people connect more authentically, with themselves and others. His insight is simple but transformative: most everyday language, especially judgments, comparisons, “shoulds,” and demands, blocks empathy instead of building it.

He proposed a four-part model:
Observation → Feeling → Need → Request

These elements help us move from reactive communication to thoughtful, values-based connection, essential in parenting, teaching, and leadership.

Rosenberg writes: “What others do may be a stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.” This shift in perspective, from blame to awareness, is the core of NVC.

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Why Language Shapes Development

Words are not neutral tools. For children especially, they shape perception, emotion, and even brain development.

Philosophers like Wittgenstein believed that “the limits of my language mean the limits of my world.” Psychologist Lev Vygotsky found that children use language to guide their thinking, talking to themselves as a way of problem-solving, which later becomes internalised thought.

Neuroscience now confirms this link. In “Do Words Hurt?”, researchers found that negative words activated stress and pain regions in the brain, the subgenual anterior cingulate cortex, as though participants had been physically threatened (Richter et al., 2010). On the flip side, positive language lights up regions in the frontal lobe, associated with motivation and resilience (Newberg & Waldman, 2012).

What’s more, just naming emotions, “I feel anxious”, calms the amygdala and reduces reactivity (Lieberman et al., 2007). This practice, known as affect labelling, is at the heart of emotional regulation. The richer a child’s emotional vocabulary (a concept called emotional granularity), the better their long-term mental health outcomes (Hoemann et al., 2023).

“Life-Alienating” Speech: What to Avoid

Rosenberg identifies patterns of communication that alienate us from empathy:

1. Moral Judgments

Words like “lazy,” “selfish,” or “bad” attack identity, not behaviour. They elicit shame and defensiveness, not growth.

2. Comparisons

“Why can’t you be like your sister?” breeds resentment and erodes self-worth. Neuroscience shows social comparison triggers the same brain regions as physical pain.

3. Denial of Responsibility

Phrases like “I have to,” “You made me,” or “That’s just the rule” avoid ownership and foster blame. As Sartre argued, pretending we have no choice is a denial of our freedom.

4. Demands and Threats

Coercion, whether through punishment or rewards, may produce short-term obedience but damages intrinsic motivation (Deci & Ryan, Self-Determination Theory). Children may comply to avoid punishment, but they don't internalise values.

These habits also become internal. Many of us carry an inner critic that echoes the same judgmental language we heard growing up. Research shows that self-criticism increases anxiety, while self-compassion fosters resilience and emotional health (Neff).

The Alternative: Observation, Feeling, Need, Request

NVC invites us to pause and speak from clarity and care:

Observation (without judgment):

“There are clothes on the floor,” not “You’re messy.”
Neutral, fact-based observations engage the brain’s reasoning centres and reduce defensiveness.

Feeling:

“I feel frustrated,” not “You’re annoying me.”
Naming feelings reduces amygdala activation and builds emotional self-awareness.

Need:

“I need rest and quiet,” not “You never give me space.”
Recognising universal needs, like safety, belonging, respect, shifts the focus from blame to shared humanity.

Request:

“Would you be willing to put the toys away before dinner?”
Clear, specific, and open-ended requests foster cooperation rather than control.

Each step builds on the last. Observation creates safety. Feelings humanise. Needs connect. Requests empower.

Practical Parenting Examples

Instead of:

“You’re being naughty, go to bed now!”
Try:
“It’s 8:30. I feel concerned because I want you to have enough rest for school. Would you be willing to pick one more story before lights out?”

The second version names facts, feelings, and needs, then makes a respectful request. The result? Less resistance, more collaboration.

In school settings, instead of:

“Stop being disruptive!”
Try:
“I’ve heard three conversations while giving instructions. I feel frustrated because I need everyone to understand the task. Can we save questions for after?”

This turns discipline into dialogue. Students hear what’s needed and why, without being shamed.

Research supports this: autonomy-supportive teaching boosts engagement, trust, and wellbeing (Mageau et al., 2015). Similarly, emotion-coaching parents raise children with stronger emotional regulation and fewer behavioural problems (Gottman).

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Self-Empathy: Where It All Begins

Compassionate communication starts with ourselves. Many parents operate under pressure and guilt. Thoughts like “I should be more patient” or “I’m a bad parent” are common, but harmful.

Instead, we can ask:

“What am I feeling?”
“What need is unmet?”
“What can I ask of myself or someone else?”

Example:

“I feel overwhelmed because I need rest. I’m going to ask my partner to take over bedtime tonight.”

Self-compassion, acknowledging our own needs with kindness, reduces anxiety and fosters resilience (Neff). And when we model self-empathy, children learn that emotions are not problems to fix, but signals to understand.

The Goal of This Series

This six-part blog series will unpack each step of Rosenberg’s framework:

1. Communication that Blocks Compassion
2. Observation Without Evaluation
3. Identifying and Expressing Feelings
4. Understanding Needs
5. Making Requests & Receiving Empathy

For parents, this series offers strategies to reduce conflict and foster emotional intelligence. For educators, it provides tools to create classrooms rooted in respect and trust. For everyone, it’s a reminder: compassionate communication isn’t about being “nice”, it’s about getting needs met through connection, not coercion.

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From “Should” to “Choose”

Philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre wrote: “We are our choices.” Rosenberg builds on that: how we speak reflects how we live.

Instead of:

“I have to take the kids to school,”
try:
“I choose to take them because I want them to be safe and learning.”

This reframing replaces guilt with purpose. Children raised with this language learn that they are active participants in life, not passive recipients of commands.

A Final Reflection

This work is hard. I’ve had to build visual aids (a downloadable set will be shared at the end of this series), create vocabulary flashcards for my kids (and myself), and attend NVC trainings to shift old habits. And still, I mess up.

But I’m learning that it’s not about perfection. It’s about practicing a language that fosters growth, not punishment.

In a world full of adversarial speech, in politics, on social media, even at home, learning to speak with compassion is a quiet rebellion. And a powerful one.

Let’s begin.

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Related Blog Posts:

• Smartphone-Free Adulthood: Week 1 Review
• The Orchestra of the Brain: Inside Child Brain Development
• Motivation Matters: Why Parents Need Science, Not Just Instinct
• The Slow Death of Focus

References for Further Reading

• Rosenberg, M. B. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
• Vygotsky, L. Thought and Language
• Richter et al. (2010). Do Words Hurt?
• Newberg & Waldman (2012). Words Can Change Your Brain
• Lieberman et al. (2007). Putting Feelings into Words
• Hoemann et al. (2023). Emotional Granularity and Mental Health
• Gottman, J. Emotion Coaching
• Mageau et al. (2015). Meta-analysis on Autonomy Support
• Deci & Ryan. Self-Determination Theory
• Neff, K. Self-Compassion Research
• Sartre, J-P. Being and Nothingness